I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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