Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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