party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Boobs speak an international language.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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