My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
