i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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