I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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