life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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