Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
