Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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