My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
