I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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