I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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