i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
