I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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