Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
