it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
