At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
