Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
