Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
