I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We are two peas in an std pod
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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