Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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