Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
