The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
