The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
