I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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