can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
