Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
