I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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