im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
