so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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