Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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