how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
