i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
