My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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