If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
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