No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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