we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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