My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
