I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
