Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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