I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
