did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
