I wish I could punch you in the face.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
