Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
