Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
