Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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