Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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