Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
