Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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