How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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