Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
